"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person."
This thing called life is sometimes a pond of emotions none that ever seems to flow to the river, injustice is a norm to those that flood my timeline in hopes of getting me to a place of pure happiness. I find myself trapped in a moment barely reversable because I myself struggle to figure out how I got here. I'm in a maze of emotions untraceable to those that wish to rescue me, I myself can't find myself all in this quest of discovering who I ought to be. I'm lost to those that once knew me, I wish to return to them only if I knew how. Sleep does not reside in the generation that I grew up with because it's twists and turns, plots and navigations to how I can be better than my sister or friend all because you aren't great until you better than the one next to you, who are we?, I ask all in trying to discover me. It's sad that our pictures are no longer a reflection of our emotions just an illusion to those that watch in envy, again who am I really. I discover peices of me in the stories shared by those around me whilst trying to discover who I am, I resonate with their stories because we are in the end a generation with similar experiences trying to make it in this thing called life.
"I never thought I would lose myself like this,I never thought I'd reach a point in my life where I'd wish I did not exist. The hardships that you encounter in this thing called life,the kind of mistakes that will haunt me for as long as I live. All in discovering myself I would learn that healing is a messy process and you have to endure each and every phase that comes with that process. The are chapters of your life that you just can't skip through, And that in order to understand and get to know your true potential you have to submit to each and everything that comes your way good or bad. You have to make peace with the things you can not change because like scars they represent a part of your life that once bled. Wounds that don't bleed on the outside but internally they live on bandages and need to be taken care of inorder to fully heal,they are the most painful and I learnt that all whilst trying to discover myself.
I lived my life mastering the art of portraying perfection until I realised that perfection only existed in a world far away and unknown to me. Anxiety and depression kept caving in because I could barely keep up with my facade, constantly trying to hide my inner issues so that everyone saw hope because I wore that badge proudly without entirely being true to my emotions and what I felt. I would soon realise that there are no deeper wounds like those unshared,having to heal in silence to heal all on your own is far dangerous and I learnt that all whilst discovering me.":- Esethu Magqwala
I am the 28 year old who's jobless with a 3 year old baby girl that badly wants to go to school like the other kids in her street but mom can barely make ends meet for communication is broken from both ends. I am my neighbours son who racked up all his accolades and wakes up every day at four to be seen by Executives and CEO's of huge companies in BMW's at the robot, in hopes of them giving him a chance only to be seen by Sisi Naledi in a taxi who works at the parcels counter at the supermarket and all she can do is take a picture of the board he has around his neck with his qualifications and post it on Facebook to ask others to circulate it amongst sharists. I am Mam'Gloria in Sunnydale surbubs and Maka Luzuko in the Township where she resides both the same person but carry different characters. She has sucomed to her biggest fear, her kids that she carried for nine months, now barely know her for she spends most of her days cleaning and taking care of Madams house and children whilst Madam drives off to Camps bay to sip cocktails and and mingle with the rich and famous. But rest assured when Madam comes back home she's greeted with smiles and kisses whilst the big gates close behind Mam'Gloria and she goes back to candles, pap and gravy with the kids asleep. I'm reminded that in the very same street lives a family headed by the first born because Mom and Dad passed on and now she's taken the role of her parents to her younger siblings and now sweeps her dreams and aspirations under the rug just to make sure that her brothers and sisters live out theirs. I'm listening to all their stories in hopes of finding the clues as to how we got here, All in search of discovering who we really are.
"We grow into confused beings in a society that is confused it's self. It gave me what to wear, who to listen to, told me who I am, who I should want to be and how I should be. Society never taught me Independence, that it is absolutely fine to explore until you find what is unique to you, instead of being a uninformed person who happens to live amongst many individual.
At a very young age I was lucky enough and was able to observe that not everything said to me or I have seen should influence me. The main things that are set to journey of discovery are the struggles and challenges you face. They teach you about yourself give you life lessons that shape you life.
It might be seen as a challenge not being able to fit in with your peers, what it does is teach you uniqueness and the ability to make desicions about your life and who you want to become.":- Asiphe Spambo
All these stories resonate because all these people don't live far from me, all of them are in this daily quest of trying to do and be greater. All of us in this maze chasing what we think success is made of, we paint this picture that we barely have an ideology of what it's supposed to be. If I have learned anything in this life of mine, it is this: In Love or Happiness we find out who we want to be; In War and Pain we find out who we really are. There's something so sobering when you're in a lot of pain, And you begging your thoughts to be still while you wait for the dust to settle and the darkness to subside. Trying to be still when you want to expel your agony.
Don't be afraid of downfalls and challenges because without them you will never know who you truly are and what you are capable of. You may feel very secure and safe in the still waters and safe zone of ponds, without venturing out, you will never know that there are rivers that lead to the waterfalls that run down to the oceans to make beautiful waves in the sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better. Live your life trying and working on discovering you for it is a journey too beautiful not to be seen. The different sights, hills and valleys lead you to complete freedom.
And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?.
"We shall not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
