Who Listens When We Pray - Series

 

Who Listens When We Pray

 

 

Who listens when we pray, when my body is numb and I’m begging my thoughts to be still. When by back is against the wall who do I turn to, when my shoulders are heavy because all the weight weighs heavily on them. When agony translates into tears and my heart beats faster by the second, a lump in my throat and suddenly my speech doesn’t make sense, Who exactly do I turn to. When I have exhausted all my options because solutions come from physical beings and answers I seek for days on end, I’m stuck yet again so who do I turn to. Who listens when we pray, who sees our struggles and feels our pain. When I suddenly wake up in the middle of the night who’s up at that time with me, listening to all my thoughts and wiping my tears off my face because yet again I’m back to this very same place that I spend most of my days trying to run away from. Who listens when my heart bleeds and cries out for help to deaf ears , who’s there to carry our burdens on a daily basis, whose there to numb the pain and give us hope in a world that is hopeless.

Who listens when we pray, when anxiety invades my sleep every night that I try to get some peace but I find myself going back to soul searching just to try and get to myself and how I can get my voice and thoughts heard for they say the most high is always listening. I’ve spent most of my days trying to numb what I encounter during the day only to realise that come night time it will find its way back to me, Make me numb, take the pain away because all these bandages do is hide scars but the pain is constant and never goes away, who do I turn to and who listens when I pray. When my troubles follow me and I soon realise I can’t hide nor run, when failure echoes in the background of my silent moments deep in thoughts as I try to figure out how on earth I can escape the voices that continue to haunt my peace. Who hears the outcry of my brothers and sisters, the tormented souls terrified to show their pain for they will be deemed as weak and unstable, so who do we talk to, who listens and hears us.

Who listens when we pray, who listens and hears the battered souls that continue to keep a brave face for the world shows no sympathy to victims. Who feels the pain and answers the poverty struck souls because regardless of success being a mile ahead of them it wasn’t tailor made nor designed for them. Who heals the damaged souls, give them strength and motivate them. Who shelters the homeless and makes them hopeful that one day they too might find a home, who listens and hears the prayers of those in their last dying moments who assures them that they are going to a better place. Who hears the prayers of the wrongfully accused whose life now is filled with high concrete walls and bars of steel, who promises them that they too will one day walkout and be free. We pray in hopes of and faith that we will see change, we choose to believe in something greater than that of which we see with a naked eye. Through life’s lessons we know that whatever it is that we go through it will surely pass not because someone tells us that it will but because we know it ought to be because nothing lasts forever. We continue to live as curious beings because at the end of every struggle and hardship who doesn’t want to see what’s next. We pray because we believe that regardless there will be change.

by - Asisipho Ndyamboti

 

INBETWEEN THOSE LAUGHS

Inbetween Those Laughs

We remember that we are human

Its in between those short silences that we remember that our armours of strength can only take so much

It is then we feel at our worst,

Where the world and everything around it feels too heavy to carry

Under those blank stares lie hidden conflicts of truths that we ourselves can not comprehend

Yesterdays that left us scared only to be revived again by thought, See we do a different kind of reminiscing one that we can't escape, we allow it to ease into our heart's vein seeping deep into the beats we once had.

In between the laughs comes joint sighs cried by different souls brought together  with painful journeys.

Its in those moments we tend to remember that we are still bruised and that those stitches are tailored to suit what is supposed to be our happiness.

In between the laughs we try closing off once again our vulnerabilities off to the world

Because at the end of it all they shouldn't see our weaknesses

Its in between those laughs that  we fight for air as we are in between breathing and being suffocated by the unknown

Known to us and hidden from the world

And sometimes just sometimes during that laughter we are hoping someone, anyone will notice that laughter is just a mask worn very well by the broken at heart

masquerading our downfalls and all

And lastly it is in between those laughs where we survive for some reason we forget and live on, most of all It is in between the laughs we remember we are human.

Poem by Zizile Tantsi

DISCOVERING ME

"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person."

This thing called life is sometimes a pond of emotions none that ever seems to flow to the river, injustice is a norm to those that flood my timeline in hopes of getting me to a place of pure happiness. I find myself trapped in a moment barely reversable because I myself struggle to figure out how I got here. I'm in a maze of emotions untraceable to those that wish to rescue me, I myself can't find myself all in this quest of discovering who I ought to be. I'm lost to those that once knew me, I wish to return to them only if I knew how. Sleep does not reside in the generation that I grew up with because it's twists and turns, plots and navigations to how I can be better than my sister or friend all because you aren't great until you better than the one next to you, who are we?, I ask all in trying to discover me. It's sad that our pictures are no longer a reflection of our emotions just an illusion to those that watch in envy, again who am I really. I discover peices of me in the stories shared by those around me whilst trying to discover who I am, I resonate with their stories because we are in the end a generation with similar experiences trying to make it in this thing called life.

"I never thought I would lose myself like this,I never thought I'd reach a point in my life where I'd wish I did not exist. The hardships that you encounter in this thing called life,the kind of mistakes that will haunt me for as long as I live. All in discovering myself I would learn that healing is a messy process and you have to endure each and every phase that comes with that process. The are chapters of your life that you just can't skip through, And that in order to understand and get to know your true potential you have to submit to each and everything that comes your way good or bad. You have to make peace with the things you can not change because like scars they represent a part of your life that once bled. Wounds that don't bleed on the outside but internally they live on bandages and need to be taken care of inorder to fully heal,they are the most painful and I learnt that all whilst trying to discover myself.

I lived my life mastering the art of portraying perfection until I realised that perfection only existed in a world far away and unknown to me. Anxiety and depression kept caving in because I could barely keep up with my facade, constantly trying to hide my inner issues so that everyone saw hope because I wore that badge proudly without entirely being true to my emotions and what I felt. I would soon realise that there are no deeper wounds like those unshared,having to heal in silence to heal all on your own is far dangerous and I learnt that all whilst discovering me.":- Esethu Magqwala

I am the 28 year old who's jobless with a 3 year old baby girl that badly wants to go to school like the other kids in her street but mom can barely make ends meet for communication is broken from both ends. I am my neighbours son who racked up all his accolades and wakes up every day at four to be seen by Executives and CEO's of huge companies in BMW's at the robot, in hopes of them giving him a chance only to be seen by Sisi Naledi in a taxi who works at the parcels counter at the supermarket and all she can do is take a picture of the board he has around his neck with his qualifications and post it on Facebook to ask others to circulate it amongst sharists. I am Mam'Gloria in Sunnydale surbubs and Maka Luzuko in the Township where she resides both the same person but carry different characters. She has sucomed to her biggest fear, her kids that she carried for nine months, now barely  know her for she spends most of her days cleaning and taking care of Madams house and children whilst Madam drives off to Camps bay to sip cocktails and and mingle with the rich and famous. But rest assured when Madam comes back home she's greeted with smiles and kisses whilst the big gates close behind Mam'Gloria  and she goes back to candles, pap and gravy with the kids asleep. I'm reminded that in the very same street lives a family headed by the first born because Mom and Dad passed on and now she's taken the role of her parents to her younger siblings and now sweeps her dreams and aspirations under the rug just to make sure that her brothers and sisters live out theirs. I'm listening to all their stories in hopes of finding the clues as to how we got here, All in search of discovering who we really are.

"We grow into confused beings in a society that is confused it's self. It gave me what to wear, who to listen to,  told me who I am, who I should want to be and how I should be. Society never taught me Independence, that it is absolutely fine to explore until you find what is unique to you, instead of being a uninformed person who happens to live amongst many individual.

At a very young age I was lucky enough and was able to observe that not everything said to me or I have seen should influence me. The main things that are set to journey of discovery are the struggles and challenges you face. They teach you about yourself give you life lessons that shape you life. 

It might be seen as a challenge not being able to fit in with your peers, what it does is teach you uniqueness and the ability to make desicions about your life and who you want to become.":- Asiphe Spambo

All these stories resonate because all these people don't live far from me, all of them are in this daily quest of trying to do and be greater. All of us in this maze chasing what we think success is made of, we paint this picture that we barely have an ideology of what it's supposed to be. If I have learned anything in this life of mine, it is this: In Love or Happiness we find out who we want to be; In War and Pain we find out who we really are. There's something so sobering when you're in a lot of pain, And you begging your thoughts to be still while you wait for the dust to settle and the darkness to subside. Trying to be still when you want to expel your agony.

Don't be afraid of downfalls and challenges because without them you will never know who you truly are and what you are capable of. You may feel very secure and safe in the still waters and safe zone of ponds, without venturing out, you will never know that there are rivers that lead to the waterfalls that run down to the oceans to make beautiful waves in the sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better. Live your life trying and working on discovering you for it is a journey too beautiful not to be seen. The different sights, hills and valleys lead you to complete freedom.

And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?.

"We shall not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

BLACK MEN , CHILD OF THE SOIL YOU ON YOUR OWN

 "Merely by describing yourself as black you have started a road towards emancipation, you have committed yourself to fight against all forces that seek to use your blackness as a stamp that marks you out as a subservient being." - Steve Biko 

I wish I knew what it was that the colour of my pigment holds against the world. For my bare black feet walk on all the riches of this world that you would think I'd become somewhat rooted to wealth. Instead it is I that digs and harvests all the riches from my forefathers land and presents it in a trolley for the master to polish and sell whilst I get the pennies on the buck. We now knock on doors with foundation laid on what used to be ours because we have become beggars to the rich folks. We possess a demon that our ancestors are ashamed of because we speak in tongues unknown to them. We watch the rich men live off the blood and sweat of our ancestors and all we can do is apply for positions to be maids and janitors.

We are the stem of our society, men of the soil and daughters of the land. We pride ourselves of what no longer belongs to us for we sold it for some cheap man’s cloth and education that still doesn’t benefit us no matter how far we go. We sit surrounded by laminated years of late nights studying with bellies empty like the future that we ought to have. It’s a cycle of discomfort and sadly we blame it all on the colour of our pigment. 

How long will we live as beggars of this world, how long will we be reminded that it is we, the indigenous people who are poor and exploited in the land of our birth. So absorbed in another man’s culture because our own lacks popularity, it never stood a chance because you shout and exude a foreign culture because you are ashamed of yours. It’s as though you are under some spell because nothing about your real heritage makes sense to you. It’s either you are alive and proud or you are dead, for when you are dead you will wish you were alive to learn more and accept who you really are.

It is I that turned my back on the land and my roots when it did not serve me. I the rich cousin that made it and now turned my entire back on my tribe. You will fight to get through each and every phase, barricade to get to the top just to find out that your biggest opponent was that of the same skin tone as yours. Until then it’s each one on their own to fend for themselves. 

Dear Black Child wake up for tomorrow your great grandchildren will bare witness to the foolery and little to no foundation that you left for them to build on. Wake up before they become a result of your failures. The wars and the crimes don't have to be the same, just because we grew up in poverty does not necessarily mean that's where we all ought to end up, you can change it, we can change it for the next generation. 

GROWING PAINS

 "Little by little we grow up, it's hard. Most people don't grow up, they just get older." -Maya Angelou

Growing up is hard, it's uncomfortable because each phase of your life is new, unfamiliar and ever changing. And change like we all know is the hardest. All of us have come to terms with too much pain, although we repress it it's still there. The worst is that of not being wanted, of realising your parents do not need you in the way that you need them.

MISTAKES are meant to happen once and only once, more than that then that was not a mistake but a choice. Mistakes aren't made to make you feel less of a good person but there to assist you in making better decisions. It wouldn't be easy to understand yourself without making a few mistakes in your life. Plus they help you grow.

FRIENDS you can truly and honestly live without them, if you've been burnt once don't be too trusting. They can disappoint you so the best, most loyal, and one person you can depend on is truly yourself. Don't invest to much when it comes to friendships. Each person that comes into your life is there to serve a purpose, whether it's short or long-term take the good that they choose to show you because really in the end we will all outgrow each other at some point. 

LOVE yourself first and others after because loving yourself means having an understanding of yourself that allows you to show your confidence to the world. 

HAPPINESS is a choice so for each and every morning that you wake up choose to be happy, choose to smile and share positivity. 

LIFE will never make sense if you aren’t InTouch with your spirituality, whether we like it or not we must agree to the fact that we are spiritual beings and if we are not connected to our spirituality we will forever linger without ever being satisfied. We will always seek more than what already exists in the physical but when we are content and InTouch with our spirituality we will forever be happy.

For each and every one of us in life we have a turn back moment, either you move forward or you give up but before you give up you should always keep in mind that the only guarantee about giving up is that it will never happen, no way under the sun.

So whatever it is that you do in life, don’t give up because Uzoba ngumthwalo kabani? 🤔🤔

THE YEAR OF HIGHS AND MANY LOWS

 2020 The End of Yet Another Era

Everybody in life reaches a point where they face both Highs and Lows, life is not always roses and peaches and neither is it always gloomy and painful. You ought to go through both phases in life because both serve as a test, when you are at your highs always remain humble and at your Lows always remember that lows don’t last forever. Throughout this year I’ve learnt to be more appreciative of what I have than to be stuck thinking of all that I want, I’ve grown to appreciate the little things and realized that faith carries us even in the most painful times of our lives.

I used to love the beach and how the sound of waves and water splashing on rocks echoed nothing but peace and calmness into my ears, for so long I would see meditation on television and not know it’s importance in my daily routine until this year. 2020 made me appreciate even the sound of birds chirping and the peaceful sound of trees and the water running down the river. This year made me aware of the little things that nature has for us to help ease the mind. Let me flashback to my 2020.

Saying 2020 was a struggle for many is an understatement, This year was tough and draining both mentally and emotionally. Not everyone could have foreseen the hardship that this year had in Store for us but very few were fortunate enough to have been prepared for it all. 

From schools closing to businesses shutting down. Lockdown levels that forced us to face every single challenge head-on instead of sweeping it under the rug. Mental breakdowns, depression, stress became a norm for many. It was death after death, loss of those we even thought would stand the test of time. Anxiety was at its all time high for others as job loss became a thing. From bad decisions and fallouts, mistakes and so on.

I guess all in all 2020 was not what anyone had on their resolution list if that’s still even a thing because if anything nobody really got what they wanted. So what has the year taught you?. For me it actually showed me that with all that I am and that I could be, I’m definitely not incharge and anything could happen and within a blink of an eye things could change, forcing each and everyone of us to adapt, refocus and start up fresh. So take what 2020 was as a learning curve, align yourself with all that is good and positive. Look at each day as a brand new start to life and work on yourself every single day until you get it right. You can do it, if only you can start..

2021 is a chance to refocus and start over.

Xoxo 

Spring Has Sprung or Has It?

New Season New Beginnings

"If you feel like you are losing everything, remember trees lose their leaves every year and they still stand tall and wait for better days."

The season to bloom, the season to see good even after all the downfalls you've had. The season to grow because here comes summer and you will shine throughout. We all have winter days, but ask yourself what's a few downfalls when you have a blooming season that awaits you. You can cut off all the flowers but you can't keep spring from coming.

The month of September somewhat reminds me of the first of January, New Year's resolutions and so much to look forward to. You are somewhat motivated and feel like the world is your oyster and all things are possible, The sun is shining which some look at as a sign of better days, The grass is greener, the flowers are blooming and all looks good and promising enough. 

What resolutions forget to acknowledge is that being human is being imperfect, and we make mistakes, we can not live upto all of societies expectations. Alot gets thrown our way and balancing it all is unrealistic for many, The time it takes to enact positive change often cannot be controlled adding a sense of stress and urgency to resolutions when in reality, resolutions like promises and goals and plans, fall apart. That is life.

We have somewhat made it a thing to chase dreams and limit ourselves to a specific time period, somewhat have become ok with putting pressure and looking at others to see were we should be. Goals do not have a time frame, like dreams they are a journey and like life they are ever changing. Each moment being placed at a specific time to make you see how far you can possibly go.

Don't forget that everyday is a new day and you can try again if you need to, no pressure because you'll get there eventually.